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January 31st, 2005

01:11 pm - Rainy Day
Well it looks like my cover is blown. How could it be a cover when it was who I really was? I don't know how it all ended up like this. I lost James, Remus, Sirius ... I know if James knows then Sirius and Remus do too. They must hate me. I never meant for it to be this way and I didn't have a choice, the Dark Lord has threats they can't dream of.

I'm stuck in some tiny apartment in Wales. I hate this.
Current Mood: gloomygloomy

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January 25th, 1980

01:24 pm - Moving Again. Lucky break.
I had just let myself into James and Lily's new place when the Owl came. James and Lily were at a meeting at HQ or something like that last night and the owl wanted in, so I took the letter from it.

It wasn't really a letter, just a scribble on some crumpled parchment from Black warning James that I'm a traitor. A traitor, he makes me sound like I WANTED to tell Malfoy where they were, like I wasn't under threat of death and worse!

I kept the letter to be safe, and left the hollow. Still, I'd better get out of here in case Black owled Lupin about it too.

I just unpacked, too.

I have to go somewhere secret until this blows over, dissapear for a while. I guess that's the upside to never being noticed.

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January 24th, 1980

09:12 am - Going Home.
Training is over. I'm actually pretty good at the things I've learned, occumency is the best one so far. Even my mentor said I'm good at it. I remember when McGonagall said I needed to find something to do without James and Sirius, I guess I found something.

I'm leaving today, going back to England to see everyone, which'll be weird.

They say James is really upset that Sirius is gone, and that Remus is working two jobs now. It'll be hard to pretend I don't know what's going on. I really am looking forward to being back. I miss them.

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December 24th, 1979

11:02 pm
Merry Christmas.

Last christmas was easier than this one. We were all at Sirius' new flat, throwing paper at each other. Sirius put lipstick all over Prongs' nose and he was Rudolph the Drag Queen Reindeer.

This isn't easy, you know.

I hate Christmas. I hate Germany. I hate that it's all different now.

Nana is calling again.

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December 16th, 1979

05:46 pm - This is a nightmare. I'm going to wake up soon.
They're going after James and Lily, something about a prophecy with a baby that could destroy the Dark Lord.

I don't see how a baby could hurt him. It's just a baby, small. I don't see why they have to ... why we have to ...

why I have to.

I wish He could use someone else for this, but it's useless to say anything back. I know that much. He's the Dark Lord, and his bidding has to be done or I'm as good as dead. It's not school anymore, this is the real world and we're at war. People are going to die, that's what war is about. Pranks and games and grudges were fine when we were in school and the worst thing that could happen was explusion, but this isn't school anymore! This is war. They'd do the same thing. Well not Sirius, he just doesn't understand that this is REAL. He can spout the three musketeers all day but he's not here, I am. People have to live. I have to live. I have the right to live through this and if someone wants to say I shouldn't chose to live, that I shouldn't chose the side that would let me come THROUGH this, then they're as good as killing me themselves and therefore I can defend myself against them, too.

That made more sense before I wrote it down.

Still at grandmother's in Germany. I only get the occasional owl from Remus or James now and then. Nana is too old to suspect anything when I have to leave so often at odd hours. I'm not going to kill anyone, I bet nothing'll happen, I bet everything will change before too long and it'll all be back to normal.

I'm just playing along. That's all. No one has to know.

I really, really miss England right now.

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December 11th, 1979

08:44 am
I've been away, but heard the news. James and Lily are having a baby.

I didn't hear from them, of course.

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October 23rd, 1979

03:41 am - Merlin ...
I don't know how, I don't know how, but I'm going to get myself out of this. What they're asking me to do is insane.

But I don't think no is an option. I've seen what they do to people who say no.

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